The Art of Letting Go
by GlasgowGirl92
Summary: "I should have been there." Spoilers for April 29th 2017 episode. CalebxOC. Rated T to be safe.


**A/N: Hello all! I am so sorry that I haven't been updated anything in forever. I have been writing, though, I just haven't had the time to actually edit and upload, but after watching last night's episode of Casualty, I know I have to get back into this writing game.**

 _ **Spoilers ahead!**_

 **As some of you of have already read my story " _The Choices we Make_ " you'll be familiar with my OC Dr. Alicia-Jude Jones. I have written a few shorts explaining how she and Alicia Monroe come to get along and co-exist in this wonderful world, which I will be uploading over the next few days. **

**I am planning on beginning an AU timeline for Cal and AJ, because there is so much about the brothers that we haven't gotten to explore and I am absolutely not ready to let them go. That is going to run alongside this little series that I'll be writing about AJ and Ethan and them coping with Cal being gone. Hopefully you'll enjoy it and I'm always up for any kind of prompts that you wish to give me.**

 **Please review and even message me with any feedback and comments you have.**

 **Hugs are also welcome (and probably needed after last night!)**

 **Best Wishes,**

 **Kat x**

* * *

The Art of Letting Go

My hair is still pulled back in the bun that he had put in when I take the first few steps into the room that I had left that morning, but it's much quieter now, much more empty. There had been a neurological emergency upstairs and Sam had ordered me back up there, despite the strike and the ED being short staffed. I'd popped in and out between patients to the strike, Cal had understood. Had known that I would have been there but it was about making sure no-one died as a result of this nonsense with Sam. It's strange, being there, standing there, without the chaos.

It's a struggle to go any further, to make my feet move when my body feels so heavy, feet almost rooted to the floor. There isn't really enough room for the door to close behind me, but it's the warm hand on my arm that stops it hitting me. I'm aware of the movement, aware of being shuffled forward, aware that there is someone there talking to me, but I hear and feel nothing. It's white noise. All white noise. I'm not even sure my heart is beating at this point; I can't hear it, I can't feel it. I don't even feel numb at this point.

The hand on my upper arm shifts and I know it's wrapped around my shoulders; he's so patient with me and I know, distantly that I'll have to thank him for this; for helping me stay on my feet.

Ethan is right there in front of me; Charlie, too. I can see them, but I don't know quite how to make it there. The piercing sob seem to penetrate the bubble that I'm in, bursting in and the whole world came flashing in in technicolour, sounds and lights and an agonizing pain that sears through me, causing me to gasp; breath punched from my lungs as I double over, Jacob's arms holding me up. Charlie looks from Ethan to me and back to Ethan, a silent communication between him and Jacob, knowing that I was in safe hands.

I don't know how long I stand there, Jacob softly reminding me to breathe, telling me how sorry he is, but my eyes are locked on Ethan, how he is managing – barely- to stay standing and I take a deep breath and push myself so I'm standing upright. My only goal is to make it over to the bed, make it over to the two other men. That's it. I just have to close the distance and I do. I rest my hand on Ethan's shoulders and he lets out another sob and I feel my bottom lip beginning to tremble.

I still haven't really looked at the figure on the gurney. My entire body shivering as I keep my eyes locked on the wall, gripping Ethan's shoulder, trying to absorb some of the pain he was in, trying to make this easier for him. Trying to do what Cal would be doing if he... the sob that filled the room next wasn't Ethan's, it was mine. Automatically, my hand came up to cover my mouth; stifling the sound, letting the man clinging to his brother have his time with him. I was strong enough to shoulder this for both of us, he wasn't. He needed his time.

I felt Charlie's hand on my shoulder, the fatherly squeeze before he gently pried my fingers from Ethan's, slowly moving Ethan away from the bed and back to his feet. Now eye level with Ethan, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him, his arms slowly wrapping around me to hold me close, tears soaking into my hair. I immediately noticed the difference; the level of comfort that wasn't there. The heat was different, the way he held me, the scent. It wasn't the same and the weight of it never being the same had me clutching to him a little tighter.

Ethan surprised me by stepping back, nodding once and then taking off followed quickly by Charlie, leaving me standing with my back to the gurney.

"You don't have to do this now," Jacob's voice was calm, soft, gentle, but not the voice I wanted to hear. Not the voice that I needed to hear me saying that everything was going to be alright.

"I do," I nodded, my voice trembling, accent thick, but I still hadn't turned around. I wrapped my arms around me as I tried to slow the tears. It took a few minutes, and a lot of deep breaths, but with Jacob's coaching and patience, I managed to work up to turning around to him, turning around and looking down at him.

"Baby." I whispered, resting my right hand on his head, stroking his still wet hair. He looks so peaceful, like he's resting, but he's cold. Too cold. "I should have been here," I tell him, stroking his head as I reach for his hand, linking our fingers and bringing them up to my lips. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, voice breaking as my lips make contact with his ring. Our rings. All it takes is that little piece of metal to touch my skin and I'm sobbing again, leaning down to press kisses all over his head and face that I could reach. My legs were giving way as it suddenly became real. Real that my best friend, my partner in crime, my soulmate was gone. Real that I'd never have him singing off key in the shower. Real that we'd wasted too much time getting to this point that I'd never have the ability to actually call him my husband. Legally, anyway.

I wasn't ready to let go, to give up, to walk away. I wasn't ready for him to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to move from the spot, but Jacob was there again, peeling me away despite my best efforts, both of us tumbling to the floor as I somehow managed to fall over and take him with me in the middle of the room. Jacob wrapped his arms around me and held me as I sobbed and pleaded for him to come back, begging him to let me up so I could restart CPR. Jacob didn't let me go; he held firm and tried to calm me, telling me about the ring on my finger, the love he had for me, the fight he had put up to live for me, for Ethan.

I stilled, eventually, the fight within me losing out to the overwhelming sadness that was pressing heavily on my chest, I gripped the front of Jacob's shirt, my sobs quieting down to nothing.

"I should have been here," I repeated softly, bringing my hand up to dash away the wetness from my cheeks. "I should have been with him."

"Why weren't you?" Jacob asked and for a moment the rage flared within me and I glared at him.

"Because I was in theatre." I snapped, "I was removing a tumour from a three year old child's fucking head."

""What about after?"

"Cal and I were going to grab pizza and head home to plan the next phase of the protest, you know this!" I was fuming once again when I pulled back from him to look at him, "I didn't even know Lily was here until he told me."

"When did you speak to him? What did he say?"

"I was scrubbing in," my accent was thicker, it always was after I'd been crying. "He came to see me," my lips curved up in a small smile. "He came up behind me, I asked what he was doing and he told me about Lily and that he wanted to see me." I felt my voice getting thicker, it was harder to speak. "He told me he just needed to see me," I repeated, fresh tears falling. "I told him I'd have to scrub in again. That I loved him and Lily would be okay. He did my hair." I wiped my face again, holding my head in my hands.

"What did he say to that, AJ?" He asked and I shook my head, I didn't want to say it. "He told you he loved you, didn't he?" Jacob asked softly and I nodded. "Then hold on to that, don't hold on to this, hold on to that moment, hold on to him telling you he loved you and making plans for pizza. He was coming home to you, princess. He was ready to come home to you."

I sniffled and nodded, pushing to my feet as I thanked Jacob, deliberately keeping my back to the bed. "I can't," I shook my head pointing behind me.

"We'll clean him up, get him back to being a pretty boy, then you and Ethan can come see him again, yeah?" Jacob nodded in understanding, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and leading me out of the room.

"I can't say goodbye," I mumbled as we reached the door.

"Princess," Jacob reached for my left hand, holding his hand up and showing me both my engagement and my promise ring. "He bought these for you because this was forever. This doesn't have to end it." The diamond engagement ring fitted snugly against the Claddagh promise ring that he'd given me a couple of months ago when I'd returned to Holby. His was a metal band with it engraved and they matched. I had his name engraved on mine and he had mine engraved on his.

Jacob had managed to get me out of the room and back on the floor where everyone else was looking at me and each other, pain etched on their faces.

"AJ," Charlie's voice pierced the fog that had begun to settle around me. "Ethan –"

I nodded and hugged Jacob, not needing to know what Charlie was just about to say. Cal was gone but I was still here, and now it was up to me to help Ethan through this. I swallowed hard and headed in the direction Charlie had pointed, making a silent promise to the man I love, asking him to help me watch over his little brother just as well as he always had.


End file.
